My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
ERMA BOMBECKIt is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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Children make your life important.
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
ERMA BOMBECK