Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS