“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

When people see an actor speak, they think they know him or her, whereas I’m just a face or a body to them.

Even the flowers are jealous of the curves of her body.

Stress cannot enter your body, mind, and soul without your permission.

Love yourself as you are, and take care of your body. Your body is the temple of your soul.

I don’t need the best hairstyle or the best body. Just give me a ball at my feet and I’ll show you what I can do.

Self-love is the best medicine for mind, body, and peace.

Law and order are the medicine of the body politic and when the body politic gets sick, medicine must be administered.

I mostly just listen to my body.