Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Better laid than never.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS