When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS