My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS