I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSI’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS