Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERSI’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS






