“Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.”

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

I am hurting. I am angry. I am one hundred and thirty-two synonyms of regret, but atleast its proof that I was here.

Aggression unopposed becomes a contagious disease.

I was a very defensive kid ’cause I was really sensitive underneath and didn’t want people to know. So I came off as very tough and very angry.

Patience is the ability to accept trouble, suffering, delay without getting angry or upset, I feel like if you can master patience you can master anything.

People are angry and dispirited about government because of a failure to do something about crime.

The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.

Can I doubt the shape of the earth? Can I judge a minute for lasting sixty seconds, a day for being grey or cold and leaves for falling from trees? Can I speak too loud when I am angry or stay quiet when I disagree? Can I forget about the norms and make some of my own?

Masculine anger is always because you are feeling constrained, trapped by life. Feminine anger is always because you are feeling unloved.