“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.”

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Better laid than never.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I enjoy watching the karate practitioners because of their high spiritual level.

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.

Enjoy your own company instead of expecting someone else make you happy.

Every moment in our lives is a miracle we should enjoy instead of ignoring.

When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.

I love that my friends are sometimes even 20, 30 years older than me – that I can just sit and enjoy their company and their experiences.

When you arise in the moring, think of what a precious privelege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

Nope, I don’t enjoy work generally. Not because I’m lazy; it’s just all so stressful and worrying.