I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG