Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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