If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG