I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSA woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS