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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

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