I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDSWhen doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS