Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDSWhen doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS