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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Alcohol Illusion Reality
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Life Myself Young
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Control Food Myself Strong
I never eat before breakfast.
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Eat Myself One Liner
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Honesty Man Yourself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Life View
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Food Myself Wine
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Himself Mom
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Animal Myself Perspective Sea
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Equality Freedom Hate Myself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Animal Funny Wings
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Drive Grateful Myself Reason
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Herself Thankful Woman

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