black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W. C. Fields

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

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