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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

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