Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS