Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS