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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W. C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

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