Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSI’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS