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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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