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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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