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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W. C. Fields

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

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