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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

W. C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

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