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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

W. C. Fields

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Control Food Myself Strong
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

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