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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.

Tim Allen

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
TIM ALLEN

Clarify Funny Memories Myself
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
TIM ALLEN

Existence Goodness Live Myself Relationship
I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLEN

Myself Tools
But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
TIM ALLEN

Human Man Separate Vehicle
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
TIM ALLEN

Forever Love Marriage Moments Myself Young
I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
TIM ALLEN

Cat Dog Man Myself Person Travel
I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
TIM ALLEN

Consider Funny Phone Technology
Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
TIM ALLEN

Area Avoid Comment Togetherness Woman
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
TIM ALLEN

Children Drive License Protection Requirement
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
TIM ALLEN

Car End Funny Relationship Woman
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Man Own
For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
TIM ALLEN

God Ideas Myself Religion Time
My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
TIM ALLEN

Death Father Foundation Nature Reminder
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy One Liner Ultimate
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
TIM ALLEN

Goodness Lying Man Myself Positive
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLEN

Advantage Beautiful Myself Play Reality Show Theatre

I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.

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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.

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Popular Authors

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