I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLENI have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
TIM ALLEN