I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
TIM ALLENI’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
TIM ALLEN