If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
TIM ALLENI’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
TIM ALLEN






