Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLENMan is the only animal to borrow tools.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
TIM ALLEN






