If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTIt was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT