One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTIt was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT