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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Experience Need Yourself
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Deep Difference Growth Learning Old Philosophy See Teaching Yourself
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Myself People
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Funny Hairs Stick
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Mathematics Pronunciation Sound
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Man Sad Yourself
Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT

One Liner People

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Steven Wright Quotes