Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTPlan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT