Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT