You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT