You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT






