My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT