Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Clones are people two.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT