I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT