I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHTMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT