My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Clones are people two.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT