Humor Quotes

An assorted collection of quotes on Humor with high quality images that will help you to relate with the right words. Quotes are the rythmical creation of words. Download and share this collection of Humor quotes with your firiends, family and loved ones on social media platforms.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.
BILL HICKS

Funny Humor Military
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Morning Snowplough
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEY

Eight Funny Humor Light Screw
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
BILL BAILEY

Anthropomorphic Aspects Funny Horse Humor
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Vegetarianism
When there’s time for whistling, there’s a lot of time on a show.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Funny Humor Whistling
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY

Dollars Funny Humor Work
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Baby Delivery Funny Humor Paddy Probably
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Accident Alright Funny Humor Thanks
Confound these ancestors… They’ve stolen our best ideas!
BEN JONSON

Funny Humor Ideas
I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Algebra Funny Humor Likely never
What’s a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy
BO BURNHAM

Creative Funny Humor Life
If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat.
WILLIAM J. CLINTON

Funny Humor Want
I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
BILL BAILEY

Ducks Funny Humor Strict
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
BILL BAILEY

Funny God Humor Thank
The law often permits what honor prohibits.
BERNARD-JOSEPH SAURIN

Funny Humor Law
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY

Cheese Funny Humor West
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Sex
I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Baby Funny Humor
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Long Nostalgia
I have a sense of humor. I usually come off as very serious, but I definitely have a dry sense of humor.
BILL WALSH

Dry Humor Sense Serious
People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Optimist People
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that’s only a recent development.
BARRY HUMPHRIES

Country Funny Humor
Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
JOHN WAYNE

Door Funny Hate Humor Inches
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Funny Humor Ideas
I’d probably be better off without trying to satisfy me, with my sense of humor. There are things that I have said that are funny to me, but they weren’t to somebody in the press. So that hasn’t worked to my benefit.
BOBBY KNIGHT

Benefits Humor Sense Trying
Custard pie humour is fairly universal, but at the other end, which I’m more interested in, there’s the humour that hovers on the darkness, that walks in the shadow of something else, not always that obvious.
ALAN AYCKBOURN

Always Custard Darkness Else End Fairly Humor Humour Interest More Obvious Pie Shadow Something Universal Walk

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