Funny Quotes

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Some guys may play around and say a couple of things, but if I say it, I mean it. I may laugh, it may be funny, but if I say I’m going to get you, I’m going to get you.

He took in the squeaky music, the vulgar and pining melodies, because passion immobilizes good taste and seriously considers what soberly would be thought of as funny and to be resented.

Life is good when you have a good sandwich.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

It’s curious that only in Washington can you spend $2 billion and claim that you’re saving money.

I like fireworks too, but I set them off in gardens or kebab stands. I never set fire to my own house.