Funny Quotes

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

You know that I’m too drunk to talk right now. You put your cigarette out on my face.

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation.

I feel like I’m the kind of guy that would have kids before getting married. The first thing would be kids.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

Sometimes people ask, ‘Are hockey fights real?’ I say, ‘If they weren’t, I’d get in more of them.

You can put lipstick on a pig. It’s still a pig.