It’s OK to have beliefs, just don’t believe in them.
Guy RitchieGuy Ritchie On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George CarlinGeorge Carlin I like skiing and surfing with kids. They are the cutest little skiers out there, in their little outfits. I just want to eat ’em up!
Tom BradyTom Brady If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
Bill MaherBill Maher Eat to live, don’t live to eat.
Benjamin FranklinBenjamin Franklin My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo PhilipsEmo Philips It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.
Jack NicholsonJack Nicholson Nowadays, everybody wanna be weird. We know how to manifest being weird.
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