Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.