The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG