If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG