I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG






