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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Lake
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Life Sex Woman
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor Serious Wrong
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG

Cloud Stupidity Wrong
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Comedian Food Funny
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG

Believe Deep Ghost People
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Library Reading
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

Death Fake Funny Plant Sarcastic
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

Crazy Dance Funny Humor Yourself
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Missing

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

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Popular Authors

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes