Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG