I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG






