A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG