I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG