Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG