If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG






