If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG