I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGI type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG