I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERGI type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG






