Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG -
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG






