“I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.”

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

The myriad things are complete in us. There is no greater joy than to reflect on ourselves and become sincere.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

When you can look forward, and the road is clear ahead, and now you are going to create something – that’s as happy as I’d want to be.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

The chocolate and crisps come in at times. You have to allow the little things that make you happy. I’m not extreme about what I eat.

Happiness is love, nothing else. A man who is capable of love is happy.

Contentment is not happiness. Contentment is stagnation and decay, whereas happiness is life and growth.

Smile doesn’t mean that someone is happy. Sometimes it just means that you’re strong.