“Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.”

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.

All my mates are at university, and it’s a life I haven’t had a chance to enjoy, so it’s great to turn up and sample a bit of it.

The twentieth century must be a century of the Blessed Sacrament if it means to be a century of resurrection and of life.

In real life I’m the type of girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously. I’m very serious when it comes to work, but I like to make jokes and have a good laugh and make fun of myself.

My whole life has largely been one of surprises.

If you take the the insults of your fellow human beings personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life.

I know definitive points in my life and in relationships because of my songs. I write my music so that I’ll never be bored of it.

I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

We shall prosper as we learn to do the common things of life in an uncommon way. Let down your buckets where you are.