“There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.