“There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.

We should begin at the very root from which we spring, we should effect a radical reform in the character of the food.

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don’t think about it, I just have it.

Good apple pies are a considerable part of our domestic happiness.

My dream is that every child has enough food to eat, good medical care, and the chance to go to school and even attend college.

People are starving in the world, not because we don’t have enough food, but because we’re not organized. And computers are part of that.

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available.

I do the same exercises I did 50 years ago and they still work. I eat the same food I ate 50 years ago and it still works.