“It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.”

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Difficulties are opportunities to better things; they are stepping-stones to greater experience…When one door closes, another always opens; as a natural law it has to, to balance.

Reason is a tool to help us better understand and defend our faith; as Anselm put it, ours is a faith that seeks understanding.

Whatever you do, do well. Be good at it. Stand a little taller. Be a little stronger. Be a little better.

If I can make a teacher’s salary doing comedy, I think that’s better than being a teacher.

I’ve had the pleasure and the great luck to work with some incredible actors over the years and you have to observe and learn and take something from it and try and become better yourself.

In the music industry, there’s often a lot of egos and people aren’t always very supportive, but we cheer each other on and we push each other to be better.

People must be taken as they are, and we should never try make them or ourselves better by quarreling with them.

I know your lives are busy. I know that you have much to do. But I make you a promise that if you will go to the house of the Lord, you will be blessed; life will be better for you.