“Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?””

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

When you’re a working actor and you’re happy to be one, you can’t focus all your energy on acting because you will go crazy. You have to focus as much energy as you can away from yourself.

I love cars and I love clothes, but I don’t really be going too crazy.

Every genius I have met could be classified as crazy by most people. They possess the highest level of sanity that us people find difficult to understand and accept.

They always compare my ‘Crazy Story’ to Meek’s ‘Tony Story.’

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

Working on TV shows was fun, but I felt crazy pressured and stressed.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.