I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSA Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS