Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS