I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSHere’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERSI was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERSIf you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSIn life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERSBetter laid than never.
JOAN RIVERSGrandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSOld age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS