My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERSWith age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Better laid than never.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS