The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS