The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Better laid than never.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERS