I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERSI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERSI succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSI was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSLife is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSIn life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERSI got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSYou know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERSI was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERSI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERSBo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS