With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERSWith age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERSI enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERSI’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERSYou know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERSI finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSA study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERSA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSMy parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERSDon’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERSKeep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS