If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSKeep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERS