I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS