You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS