I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Better laid than never.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERS