A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS