I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Better laid than never.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS