On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSI wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Better laid than never.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS