Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS