Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS