I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
-
-
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS -
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERS -
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERS -
Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS -
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
JOAN RIVERS -
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS -
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS -
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS -
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS -
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS -
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERS