Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS