Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS