Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS